Guess. What. Oktoberfest 2017 is taking shape as we speak. As I type. Whatever. July marks that beautiful time of year when a regular ol’ urban park becomes the magical beer oasis it was born to be. Oktoberfest beer tents are being constructed—yes, it takes that long; frauleins are buying their dirndls—yes, they should be that long; and I’m bringing to you the Oktoberfest 2017 schedule of really awesome events.
This in itself could count as an event if I felt so inclined. Instead I’m actually reclined at the moment so… whadya gonna do? Yes, I’ve been sitting here that long.
But wait—there’s more! Because of the way the days + dates fall on the 2017 calendar, Oktoberfest 2017 will be extended by TWO WHOLE DAYS. That’s two extra days of beer, brass bands, brats, and, let’s face it, boobs. Here’s what you can do with the rest of that time:
Oktoberfest 2017 Schedule of (Really Awesome) Events
Whatever damn time they want | Oktoberfest beer tent construction is underway! A future filled with froth is among us. Let the joyous news be spread!
Saturday September 16th
9 a.m. | Oktoberfest begins! Beer tents open at 9:00 even though beer can’t be served until noon. Get there early; get comfy; and get yo’self a liter of a different sort of brew—coffee.
11 a.m. | Oktoberfest opening day parade – Tent owners, landlords, hosts and their families, and local breweries arrive to the Theresienwiese on decked-out horse carriages proving again that, yes, German auto engineering is better than yours. I mean, just look at all that horsepower, hey-ooo! Wanna check out the parade route? Head here (it’s the red one).
Noon| O’zapft is! – In the Schottenhamel tent, the Lord Mayor of Munich Dieter Reiter taps the first Oktoberfest keg of the year. Not until he taps the keg and shouts, “O’zapft is!” do the festivities officially begin. And thank God because you’ve been waiting here for hours! Just kidding—it’s been a year.
Sunday September 17th
10 a.m. | Traditional costume parade through Munich – Around 9,500 parade members make their way almost 7 kilometres through the city of Munich to the Theresienwiese. The parade is led by the famous Münchner Kindl (the “monk-like” mascot of Munich who just so happens to also be a beautiful woman. I’ll say it again–Germany. knows. what’s up.) and features traditional costumes and dance routines, marching bands, flag bearers and by golly if those horse-drawn beer wagons aren’t showing off again. Wanna check out the parade route? I bet you do now you son of a gun. Head here (it’s the blue one).
Tuesday September 19th
All day until 7 p.m. | The first of two Oktoberfest family days. All rides and performances are discounted today. Because what else are your kids going to do at Oktoberfest?
Thursday September 21st
10 a.m. | Traditional religious Oktoberfest mass and memorial held. There are also opportunities to get baptized and first communion-ed because of course there is.
Sunday September 24th
11 a.m. | All of the brass bands (plus drums and traditional alphorns) from all of the Oktoberfest beer tents come together at the feet of the Bavaria statue for a massive outdoor concert typically conducted by the Mayor and other local celebrities.
Tuesday September 26th
All day until 7 p.m. | Last family day! All rides and performances are discounted. Because you didn’t learn your lesson the first time. #adultswim
Second weekend of Oktoberfest
Sometime after siesta, I presume | Italian weekend! If you’re a resident of Italy, chances are you’ll be at Oktoberfest this weekend. If you’re not, grab a velour tracksuit and some Gucci shades and jump on in! The acqua frizzante is fine.
Tuesday October 3rd
Noon | Known as a Boellerschiessen, the traditional gun salute marking the end of Oktoberfest takes place beneath the Bavaria statue by the winners of the Oktoberfest shooting competition. Guns! Beer! Balloons! Doesn’t it feel great to be alive!
A little teaser of what to expect at Oktoberfest 2017
Other Important Things
Beer Serving Hours
Opening day 12 p.m. – 10:30 p.m.
Weekdays 10 a.m.– 10:30 p.m.
Saturdays, Sundays & holidays other than the best of all fests 9 a.m. – 10:30 p.m.
Oktoberfest closes 12:30 a.m. (‘Käfers Wiesnschänke’ and ‘Weinzelt’ open until 1 a.m.) ⇠ What is this and where do I find it?
Open Hours of Theresienwiese Stalls
Opening day 10 a.m. – midnight
Mondays – Thursdays 10 a.m. – 11:30 p.m.
Fridays 10 a.m. – midnight
Saturdays 9 a.m. – midnight
Sundays 9 a.m. – 11:30 p.m.
Fairground Attractions & Shows
Opening day 12 p.m. – midnight
Mondays – Thursdays 10 a.m. – 11:30 p.m.
Fridays, Saturdays 10 a.m. – midnight
Sundays 10 a.m. – 11:30 p.m.
It’s the end of the world festival as we know it, and I feel fine TERRIBLE.
Tuesday, October 3rd, 2017 11:30 p.m.
So that’s the lowdown on what’s to go down this year. Oktoberfest 2017 will be here before you know it so I hope you’re prepared. Got your game face on? How about your game plan? Got your dirndl? Got your miracle bra because, again, boobs? Oh, you don’t need one? Carry on then.